Your Annual Horriblescopes


    Aries (March 21-April 19): It’s birthday time for Aries. Don’t forget about the highly-anticipated (dreaded?) pond tradition here at SMCM. Despite the crazy Maryland weather, you’ll have a decently well-rounded month. Recommended news source: Scott Zimmerman’s Facebook page.

    Taurus (April 20-May 20): Senioritis is probably hitting you right about now, but that’s fine – you’re probably already failing anyway. So, where are you going with your life, hm? Hmmmmmmmmmmmm? Recommended technological device: a GPS.

    Gemini (May 21-June 20): If you’ve been seeing more of your Gemini friends lately, they may be procrastinating some work that they didn’t finish over this past Spring break. If this is the case, order them a pizza, lock them in their room with their work, and hope for the best. Recommended heated debate: whether or not pineapples belong on pizza.

    Cancer (June 21-July 22): This will be a vaguely interesting month for Cancer. This is a challenging sign to decipher, so you may want to ask your Sagittarius friends for some advice. Recommended grammatical detail: the Oxford comma.

    Leo (July 23-Aug. 22): Puns are great, and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Example: What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business. If you didn’t laugh, something’s not right and I don’t wanna taco ‘bout it. Recommended movie: The Return of Cool Cat (not yet rated).

    Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): This might sound cheesy, but I think Virgo peeps are pretty grate. (Still nothing? A chuckle? No?) Recommended journalist: Drew Merryman.

    Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Libras may need a bit of additional guidance and assistance this month, but that’s probably nothing new. Don’t be alarmed if you see them wandering the paths around campus, they’re probably just contemplating a bird’s bodily functions. Recommended fun fact: peeing and farting are not in a bird’s biology. They don’t ever do either.

    Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): It’s a proven fact that glasses make you appear smarter. It’s true – I’ve been faking it since the third grade. And if I can do it, so can you. I promise. Recommended insult: nerd.

    Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): A recent concern of your Sagittarius friends may be: how do I keep playing Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild without failing all my classes? Also, they are probably thinking about this while in class. Recommended video game: Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild.

    Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Green tea will be your best friend this week. No particular reason, but I bet you’re wearing green at some point so naturally you’ll be craving green tea. Recommend snack: Buffalo-flavored pretzels. And maybe some tea.

    Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): Pisces folks are super fun to be around, and this week they will prove it to you. Be on the lookout for some amusing shenanigans and be sure to document it with pictures so you have proof, just in case. Recommended fruit: bananas.