St. Mary’s College of Maryland has secured the necessary state funds to implement its long-awaited Dog Studies Programme, which will be open at the start of the fall semester of 2018.
This excruciatingly intensive discipline will be available as a major and a minor. It is recommended for current and prospective students who are interested in learning about the history and culture of members of the biological family Canidae, as well for as those interested in learning to become a dog themselves for an edge in the increasingly competitive job market. Hired by the college as candidate (or canine-date!) to head the Dog department as chair is Dr. Maximilian Wooffimus III, a golden retriever who has chased frisbees on university campuses for over 6 years (42 in dog years), and has been recognized by the Man’s Best Friend Society of Europe as an official “GOOD BOY.”
Elective courses will include Theories of the Tail, Butt Sniffing 101 (a business etiquette course), History of Napping, and Woofers in Literature – which includes both works featuring dogs as characters and works written by dogs. The required courses, Principles of Doghood I-III, will feature a lab (haha, lab) component where students will gain practical knowledge about barking and playing fetch. Concentrations for the major will be available in Pug, Retriever, German Shepherd, and Shiba Inu, to be followed by Chihuahua and Pitbull which are planned to be added the following semester.
An environmental activist from the school who wished to remain anonymous points out that incorporating Dog Studies into colleges will be “good for social progress, that our fluffy pals are finally starting to get the representation in academia that they deserve.” Critics of the program include Bertha Eugene, a self-described “cat person,” who opined that “learning about dogs is a waste of time, waste of parent’s tuition money because it doesn’t teach these kids anything practical about the real world.” Countering this is Pepper,
a local dog a human student, who reminds us that “well I think with the current political trends, experts have predicted that it’s very likely that dogs are slated to gain control of the world economy, you know, so it’s definitely good preparation for people to learn to prepare to interact with dogs as their new maste– I mean, as equal subjects and not just mere pets.”
More specific details of the program will be announced in an AllStudent email to be sent out early next semester. In the meantime, the Registrar’s Office has assured The Point News that the rumors circulating – that one will need to submit medical documentation of an appointment to be spayed or neutered before signing up for classes in the Dog department – are completely unfounded. Also, freshman students entering in fall 2018 who show promise as dog scholars will have the option to apply for several scholarships of up to 50 milkbones and 20 rawhides. Alternate dog-housing options will be offered for upperclassmen.