Author’s Note: Due to some backlash from the last article, I would like to sincerely apologize to all readers who take horoscopes seriously and thought that the previous horoscopes were “an insult to a long upstanding tradition of accuracy and an attempt to undermine the legitimacy of all of that which horoscopes stand for.” It may please you to know that due to this, all horoscopes will now be written 100% seriously and be presented before a panel of certified astrologists for approval. It may also please everyone else to know that due to the author’s love for bad puns, technically this week’s article, “Horrorscopes,” does not need to follow any of that nonsense. Also, my word count has been increased to around 800, so you can now waste even more time reading this stuff.
Aries (March 21–April 19): A quick Google result says that Aries are “proverbial infants,” which probably isn’t a good thing. Aries can also be impatient, so try not to be that way. On the bright side, you are full of energy and have unmatched courage. If you directed these traits toward your studies, maybe your life would be a bit easier. Lucky monster: zombies.
Taurus (April 20–May 20): Laziness is a trait we all have, some more than others. You’re in luck: the planets will align just right for you on November 1 and you will have an average day. Lucky monster: minotaur.
Gemini (May 21–June 20): Gemini are two faced. Seriously, don’t trust them; most are compulsive liars. They are the highlight of the party though, and little white lies never hurt anybody, right? Advice: if you feel as though you might be missing real friends, try being a better person. Lucky monster: a giant spider.
Cancer (June 21–July 22): The cancer is an emotional person that loves to take care of others, but their pessimism often leads to doubting their self-worth. If you know a cancer, let them know you appreciate them. They’re probably the ones who are going to hold your hair back during Hallowgreens. Lucky monster: Slenderman, unless you’re short—then your lucky monster is a skeleton.
Leo (July 23–Aug. 22): Leos love to be admired and have the attention be focused on themselves. Overall, they’re good people and sincerely try to make other people happy. They just don’t try very hard sometimes. A horrendous obstacle is coming up in your life and there’s no way to avoid it. Lucky monster: a rat king.
Virgo (Aug. 23–Sept. 22): Remember when I made that comment last time about “if you thought this week was bad, wait until the next one”? Well, I made that before I consulted the signs about this next week and I just want to say I’m sorry. Lucky monster: a proverbial can of worms.
Libra (Sept. 23–Oct. 22): Libras love to please, but it’s important to be able to take some time for yourself too. If you find yourself questioning someone’s motives, you’re probably justified. Special event: something pleasant awaits you in Monty some time between October 30 and November 1. I tried to be more precise, but I’m not very good at this thing, sorry. Lucky monster: a literal can of worms.
Scorpio (Oct. 23–Nov. 21): The Scorpio is nothing if not fierce. The Scorpio is a passionate individual, but what they’re passionate about varies from person to person. Some are really into underwater basket weaving. Scorpios like to remind us time and time again that while Saint Mary’s is a public honors college, it is still a public college. Lucky monster: A big spooky ghost.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22–Dec. 21): Typically introverted and pretty witty, you probably think you’re hot stuff, but I know you didn’t say anything to that girl, buddy. That’s okay, she probably would have rejected you anyway! Lucky monster: Scott Zimmerman.
Capricorn (Dec. 22–Jan. 19): Capricorns are determined, practical, and helpful. You may be wondering: does a Capricorn have any downsides? Are they going to get roasted too? The answer is no. Their life already sucks, so let them have this one piece that will be the only positive thing they hear about themselves all week. Lucky monster: your mom.
Aquarius (Jan. 20–Feb. 18): An Aquarius is the DJ of the party, which is fortunate for the rest of us since their music taste is better than those Leos. Special event: someone somewhere on campus has a crush on you! If this were a Japanese anime, they would probably leave a cute note in your shoe locker, but since this isn’t, you’ll never know who it is. Lucky monster: a clown.
Pisces (Feb. 19–March 20): Pisces are artistic and very emotional. You will complete a piece of art you have been working on for a while, but you’ll never be satisfied with it. While you try to love everyone, some people don’t deserve it. Lucky monster: a gorilla (RIP Harambe).