Dear campus community,
I write to inform you that Delia Titzell has tendered her resignation as humor writer for the Point News. We understand that many students may be surprised, but like, deep down, not really, at this news. However, we are able to report that students need not worry about a long and difficult transition, as a new, better Delia Titzell has already been selected to take the former Ms. Titzell’s place. This Delia brings with her a number of impressive qualifications and experiences, such as telling better jokes, and not writing controversial news pieces and humor columns that cross the line.
In addition to this news, we must report that in six months time, the new Delia Titzell is taking an exciting new job opportunity, and will be leaving her post as humor writer for the Point News. Whaaaaat? Crazy. This of course is nothing more than the natural and, dare we say, enigmatically beautiful course of the never ending bureaucratic circle of life, and so we wish Ms. Titzell #2 the best of luck in her new position as chief supervisor of Moon Over Mi-Hammy Affairs at the local Denny’s. We are also pleased to report a new Delia Titzell has been hired. This one is perfect. She’s totally young and cool and she’s more like your BFF than your humor writer. We hear she has an electric guitar she keeps in her office. IN HER OFFICE GUYS!
At this time we also wish to inform you that at the end of Spring semester, Delia Titzell the 3rd, humor writer for the Point News, will be mysteriously dropping off the face of the Earth never to be heard from again. Sad sad sad sad sad sad sad. Rumors that she was last seen getting into a state vehicle are unsubstantiated and highly seditious.
If there are any inquiries or concerns at this time about the position of Delia Titzell, humor writer for the Point News, please feel free to keep them to yourselves.
Interim Delia Titzell, humor writer for the Point News