Humor Column: The Three Little Humans vs. Zombies


Once upon in a time, on a college campus very much like your own, there lived three little humans in a most charming forced triple. The three little humans generally got on very well, except when someone didn’t put a cap on their Strawberry Fanta and the fridge got sticky, because who the hell does that? Seriously, put the damn cap on it. It’s three seconds of your life. Why are you even drinking Strawberry Fanta when you’re on a stupid fad diet? What was I saying? Oh right, the three little humans generally got on very well, but they were all very different in their ways.

The first little human was self-described “survivalist.” He enjoyed hypothetical combat scenarios, wearing fatigues and combat rolling whenever an aircraft appeared overhead. He could often be found prepping his K rations, and everywhere he went beef jerky wrappers, poorly prepared booby traps, and nervous looks followed.

The second little human sucked. The reasons he sucked were obvious and many, but worst thing about him were that he was the world’s sorest loser. If he was Napoleon, he would have screamed at the British for cheating and flipped Waterloo off the table. F*#@ the second little human.

Now the third little human was the cleverest human of all of them. He was sensible, smart, funny handsome, had the cutest dimples when he smiled and is like, free to call me whenever if he wants to talk, no pressure. Seriously, I don’t mind, I stay up really late. For a time, the little humans enjoyed their WASP-y fairytale existence in peace and quiet. And then one day, the zombies apocalypse came to campus. And also a bear (Why didn’t that get any attention?).

Eager to fight the incursion of the undead, the three little humans donned their armbands and parted ways to seek their fortune. They even hugged goodbye, but that’s a another story for a different time.

The first little human took to the trees, but after really hurting himself decided instead to form a party of other humans.  As they prepared to leave for their first mission, the first little human ridiculed his teammate’s nerf Maverick, while repeatedly caressing his own Vulcan…ha. As they approached the doorway of the academic building in which they were hiding, they could see the headbands of their zombie foes camping by the door. The party knew immediately that they must work together to come up with a cautious and well-thought-out plan if they hoped to escape with their lives. And this is what everyone did. Everyone, except for the first little human. He ran out the door, screaming “DOWN!” which didn’t even make any sense. In panic and confusion, his party followed. Luckily they managed to get the jump on the zombies…just kidding! Everyone died. And the first little human became the world’s most relentlessly enthusiastic zombie.

The second little human retreated to his room for days, missing missions and avoiding any contact with danger. Eventually he ran out of food, and was forced to sprint to the dining hall as fast as his pasty little legs could carry him. Suddenly, a zombie tagged him on the back. “That doesn’t count, you only got my t-shirt!” whined the second little human. Then suddenly, another zombie tagged him on the arm. “You didn’t follow the rules!” cried the second little human. Then suddenly, a bear tagged him… in the face. Even the second little human had trouble denying that one counted. After all, he was dead (Again, that bear got no attention?!).

The third little human…well, he was actually fine. He followed all the rules, participated actively, but was always cooperative with his cohorts. The third little human played the game to the best of his ability, and survived five days in the zombie apocalypse. He probably went on to get a nice job in upper management at some organic food company, couple of kids, probably leases a Benz. But most importantly the third little human understood that this was a game, and life went on. And forevermore, Humans vs. Zombies was a fun and stress free activity where no one was ever awful ever, and world peace happened and Delia got that pony. It was purple.
And They Lived Pretty Good Ever After.