Editor’s note: This article was originally published in our fifth issue on Dec. 7, 2016, but was not published on the website. We apologize for the delay.
Author’s note: I want to thank everyone for the amazing response to these horoscopes. Most people seem to have liked them, which is awesome. While I’m sure there are some people who don’t like them, I haven’t heard of any of those people so they’re doing the smart thing and keeping their opinions to themselves. I hope the exhausting hour of work I put into these is enough to give you a minute or so of laughter or at the very least a chortle. I want to take the time to encourage you to check out some of the other articles here at The Point News because while not everyone has the luxury of being able to joke around in their articles, everyone here works really hard to make something for you. I’m sure they work harder than me at the very least. Anyway, enjoy! -Drew
Aries (March 21-April 19): This week is looking fortunate for you. You will probably pass your finals, but if your name starts with ‘Z,’ ‘B,’ ‘K,’ or your name is literally ‘Taylor,’ it’s probably better if you start to study right away. Recommended show: Daria.
Taurus (April 20-May 20): Pokemon Sun and Moon are great games. I know that isn’t really much for a horoscope, but I felt like it really needed to be said. Anyway, if you thought that lunch you had tasted funny, good news, you’re right! Recommended song: Castlecomer – Fire Alarm.
Gemini (May 21-June 20): The highlight of your semester will be found in Montgomery Hall at 7:06 p.m. on Dec. 12. If you choose to go, it will mean the rest of your semester will seem worthless, but if you don’t you will never know what true happiness is. Recommended book: Kate Chopin’s The Awakening.
Cancer (June 21-July 22): The thing you lost will be in the last place you look, so be sure to check there first. Recommended board game: Chess.
Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22): Not everyone is born for greatness. Of all the people you meet, about half of them are average. Be thankful for your average friends. Be thankful for Leos. Recommended video game: Super Smash Brothers.
Virgo (Aug. 23- Sept. 22): How about you virGO outside for once in your life. I’m sorry. Not every joke can be a good joke, but I think Casey in the math department is funny, which should explain a thing or two about my sense of humor. Recommended podcast: Welcome to Night Vale.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): If you go to see the Improv show on Dec. 9, good things will come to you! If you don’t, at least go to Monty at 7:06 p.m. on Dec. 12. Watch as your Gemini friends try to discover the meaning of life! (Hint: there isn’t one). Recommended newspaper: The Point News.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): This wonderful newspaper (and most importantly, this section) wouldn’t be possible without our Editor-in-Chief, Miranda, who happens to be a Scorpio. I’m sure I could point out how Scorpios are typically jealous, secretive, and manipulative, and what that may or may not imply about The Point News, but I won’t! Recommended treat: Kit Kat bar.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Your Nihilistic sense of humor is what drives people who would be your friends away. But hey, who needs them? Life is meaningless anyway. Recommended Operating System: Linux. Specifically, Gentoo.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): It’s not your looks that force you to sleep alone in a cold bed each night, but instead, your personality. Be thankful that you can at least change that part about yourself. Some people are just really ugly. Recommended restaurant: Thai Inter.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Whenever life has you down, remember that there are people in the world that are literally starving to death. That should make you feel much worse! Recommended anime: Cory in the House.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): The best girl I ever dated was a Pisces, which means that Pisces are pretty cool. It also means if you are a Pisces and you are lonely that there’s someone out there for you. Recommended movie: John Carpenter’s The Thing from 1984.