Your Biweekly Horoscopes

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Aries (March 21-April 19): A picture is worth a thousand words, and that’s why you have no matches on Tinder. Don’t worry though, Fire Emblem Heroes just came out on mobile devices so you’ll have plenty to keep the crippling loneliness off your mind. Recommended movie: Cool Cat Saves the Kids.

Taurus (April 20-May 20): Did you know that the chorus in Panic at the Disco’s hit I Write Sins Not Tragedies goes “I chime in with a haven’t you people ever heard of closing a gosh darn door?” No – seriously, look it up! In other news, you will be unable to gain weight this week no matter how many calories you consume. Don’t believe me? Try it for yourself! Recommended movie: Cool Cat Saves the Kids.

Gemini (May 21-June 20): They say there’s nothing like a Gemini by your side. You will bring all the people around you great happiness. However in exchange, your week will be pretty sub-par. Recommended movie: Cool Cat Saves the Kids.

Cancer (June 21-July 22): I’m channeling the cosmic entities that be for this one, it ought to be a doozy. You may want to sit down. Are you sitting down yet? Alright, here it is: You will learn that something is not as it appears. It could be that what you see as “green” everyone else sees as “blue,” or perhaps you will find out you’re adopted. We’ll see how the week goes. Recommended movie: Cool Cat Saves the Kids.

Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22): Whenever life has you down, just remember that people win money playing video games. Recommended movie: Cool Cat Saves the Kids.

Virgo (Aug. 23- Sept. 22): Virgos are very book smart, however they tend to lack the knowledge to thrive in real life. Help a Virgo and they will never forget the kindness you have shown them. Everyone needs help tying their shoes once in a while, right? Recommended movie: Monty Python and How Cool Cat Saved the Kids.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): A Libra is a beautiful creature to behold. Not to be confused with a zebra. Recommended movie: Cool Cat Goes Wild Saving the Kids.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): People are happiest when they can maximize their effort to success ratio. Some people see this as an excuse to try harder so that they can enjoy success, but a Scorpio is the kind of person who uses that as an excuse to try even less, that way even moderate success feels like an accomplishment. Recommended Visual Novel: Cool Cat Saves the Kids: An Anti-Bullying and Gun Safety Movie.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): We all know that one Sagittarius who has seen Cool Cat Saves the Kids one too many times. For this, the Sagittarius has been blessed with good fortune. But still, one can never be too careful. Recommended movie: Cool Cat Saves the Kids.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Capricorns usually get a lot of hate. It’s not that it’s necessarily undeserved, in fact, the Capricorn usually deserves everything you say about them, so feel free to turn on the fryer for your Capricorn “friends.” We can pretend you’re only joking. Recommended sci-fi: Cool Cat Saves the Kids.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Great success will come to you, but only if you come to the Video Game Club meetings on Saturdays in Schaefer 165 between 6 and 8. Oh, you wanted something funny? Your life. Recommended movie: Cool Cats Go To Heaven.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): At last, we reach the Pisces. An elusive specimen, you will often find them in the library. No matter how much time they spend there, we know that they should really spend more. Recommended movie: Cool Cat Episode 3: Saving the Kids.

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