Editor’s note: This article is from the last print edition and was meant to be posted online at a more relevant time. But it’s almost Thanksgiving now, and in shopping malls it’s already Christmas, so in all this temporal confusion please allow us, briefly, to return to Halloween.
It’s Halloween season, and that means one thing: an opportunity to show off society’s deepest flaws through the art of stereotypical costume design. We’re here to help you plan your costume with style and glam, to make sure that your mockery of some of the most subjugated peoples of the United States goes off without a hitch!
One of this year’s favorite go-to looks is the Mexican. Any outfit going for replication of this xenophobic image would NOT be complete without a wide sombrero and a big black mustache, inspired by real-life revolutionary Emiliano Zapata! For the sake of authenticity, immediately after donning your mustache, poncho, and belt of tequila shooters, meet up with your biggest adversary under the assumption that they’re there to surrender to the liberators of the Revolution, and then—here’s the important step—get shot and killed by a surprise firing squad! ¡Fiesta, am I right!
With an illustrious Native American costume, it’s important to go for realism. If you’re going to actually be modeling yourself off the Pocahontas of Disney fame, make sure to go in with an extra layer of concealer and foundation, to cover any dark circles or early onset wrinkles—the real life Pocahontas was a spry 12 years old when she was forcibly married to an Englishman, so do your best to look bright eyed and bushy-tailed! If you’re going for a run-of-the-mill Cowboys and Indians style stereotype, or you’re hoping to connect to your “spiritual” or “exotic” side, then it’s vital that you go the whole nine yards. After you party down on Halloween, pack your bags for a one-way trip to the North Dakota Standing Rock Reservation, to participate in the protests of your new-found family. Getting pelted with rubber bullets and chased by dogs is sure to get you about as spiritually connected as you can possibly be.
Our final crowd-favorite is the Geisha. Or, if you’re like the majority of Americans, you probably confused a couple different East Asian countries into a jumble of cultural hallmarks—catch you in that decked out red-and-gold dragon-embellished qipao that you got from Party City, telling everyone of how graceful you find Japanese women! You’ll be the talk of the town.
Halloween is a time to make an impression—and you want to get across that out of all the thousands of clever, pop-culture-referencing, classic, frightening, funny, or otherwise benign costumes out there, you picked the one that imitates real life races and ethnicities. Make sure you do so with style!