The Office of Studential Activities in association with the Musicality Department would like to alert the campus to the newest student-led club approved by the Student Association of Government during last Tuesday’s meeting by a vote of 1 (with 99 abstaining). The Alternative Percussion Collective invites any boys and girls interested in the craft of contemporary noise-making to attend their interest meeting this weekend. The president of the club, a 5th year senior, whose real name no one knows so they just call him “Mallet,” comments that, “Life is as short and as impermanent as a sound wave. In life we strive to be memorable, likewise it is best to make lots of waves and make sure that they’re really loud.”
Mallet also informed The Point News that “we hope the collective will be a great way for our fellow students to relax, learn, and make new friends – and lose many others.” The club’s meeting place varies between the many study rooms in the residence halls. The meeting time is nominally “24 hours a day,” but the members prefer to practice at night. The club’s Vice President, having adopted the title of Sister Drumstick, clarifies: “In the first few days we’ve found that having many people making music in the same place at the same time can mess up everyone’s rhythm. So we’ve adopted a sort of ‘divide and conquer’ approach, so that more people can hear us practicing, getting jealous and wanting to join us.”
The mission statement of the club is to leave no place or time in a residence hall without noise. Studies show that students doing work with loud ambient noises are 100% more likely to be successful in their tasks, assuming the tasks are all defined as staying awake. What makes the club unique – the “alternative” part of the club’s name – comes from the fact that they don’t actually use any instruments. According to the club treasurer, Brother Fist, “The SAG didn’t give us enough funds to purchase actual drum sets,” but this did not stop these passionate individuals, for, “we had to make do with what we had: our own bodies.” He goes on, “we’ve found that stomping on the ground, slamming the study room furniture around, and just sort of hurling our bodies against the wall all have the same effect as music.”
The Club’s webpage credits the inspiration for its formation to John Cage, famous composer of the piano piece “4’33.” He recognized that everyday sounds such as city traffic – and in the club’s case, excessively obnoxious thrashing about – had a certain musical quality to it. The hypocrisy of a noise-loving club comparing themselves to the self-dubbed “silent composer” is most likely just intended to make people even more angry at them. The club’s first public performance will be titled “Earthquake” and feature the Amateur Opera Singers Club, the other controversial club from last year that people have complained about. It will be performed in each common room every night of finals week.