Dear campus community,
This email is not specific to all of you, in spite of the fact that every person at this college has just received it in their already crowded inboxes. Rather, it just applies to the person who last night decided to “borrow” Timothy, the 690 pound male California grizzly bear who was parked outside my WC apartment.
I can understand how Timothy would have been a temptation for you. It’s not every day you see a proud creature of his raw power, stamina and temperament on campus. It is also not every day you will find a creature of this description not locked up for some reason. I guess I assumed that a community that prides itself on friendliness would be more trustworthy. So, I guess this is really on me, not you!
That last part was passive aggressive, in case you didn’t get that. This is on you. All on you.
Since your own rotten, decaying carcass of a conscience failed to prevent you from taking my beloved Timothy, I can only hope to appeal to whatever small fading ember of human compassion may still exist in your foul, sociopathic heart to return him to me now that you’ve had your fun. I rely on him to get to my classes and place of work on time, and it would be an enormous inconvenience to lose that. In addition, Timothy has important sentimental value, as he was my sole inheritance when my grandmother passed away last year unexpectedly from being mauled by a large, unknown animal.
Finally, I ask you to see reason. Timothy is an enormous grizzly bear whose care requires tons time, attention, and freshly killed caribou meat. (He is also very fond of blackberries and curry vindaloo, but please do not feed him these as they will make him both testy and flatulent. It would be shameful to meet your end at the claws of an angry, farting bear.) For his own sake, please return him to someone who has the necessary resources and physical prowess to make the commitment he needs.
If you return Timothy to my residence, WC 2, there will be no consequences or hard feelings, besides the numerous ones that I angrily aired here with seemingly no concern for how they would affect your attitude towards me or your desire to do me any favors. I am sure the generosity of this offer will move you to do the right thing, for what I can only assume will be the first time in your cowardly, worthless life.
And if not, I really doubt it will be difficult to hide the one bear on campus for long, rendering this whole email pointless.
Thank you for your time (again, passive aggressive in case you didn’t get that),